8-Death / loss what is worse

I don’t know if all our posts must be on clinical but this one is mostly on our class to day. I have only seen one of my patients in this school pass on. She was a woman I did not know very well but I did know she was a teacher for over thirty years and was one of the aids I worked with favorite. (I hope that made sent) I did not know her so her passing did not touch me very much. Death in general does not hold much power over me or my thoughts on life. I have seen death in ways I wish I haven’t, and in ways that I felt honored to be a part. Oddly enough some of those two are the same. I personally have been close to death four times in my life. Each time my friends or family seem to think I will change my ways that I will be more careful. Each time I feel that I have been maid freer. I feel that if I am to die I want it to be on my terms if I can and doing what ever is most important to me, not to let the fear hold me back. Loss and especially unknown loss holds my fears. I have never doubted if I will die but I have an unknown in my past that I was not strong enough to talk about in class. Most all of you know that I was married and am now divorced. What very few people know is that she was pregnant while we were going through the divorce process. That is not the hard part, what is hard is that the odds were slim that it was mine. To make it worse she miscarried the child a little boy she named Michel in her sixth month and had to deliver him. This is the most embarrassing moment in my life; I had to sign the papers to let the chilled be cremated and never know if he was mine or not and to admit that to the mortician who was doing the paperwork. Even if the chances were slim there was that chance, that I had a son that I have never seen held or known. That unknown is what will always be part of me, so I will always strive to never let a question like that ever happen to some one under my care. Death comes for us all and I hope we all live our lives so he brings no fear, but regret and doubt are what hold pain for me. (Just a different point of view to think on)
If you are prone to pity or what ever don’t, this is part of what has brought me hear and gives me strength.